Ethan G. Salwen

Would "Marilyn Monroe" have received so many hits if she had kept the title "Norma Jeane Baker"?

Warning: This post is full of wonderfully dirty, sexy, disturbing, funny, creepy, fascinating links. Definitely keep reading if this is your kind of thing!

Note about this post: I’m sorry! I couldn’t help myself. Immediately after ending the SEO Wars with my last post (“Oil Rigs and Penis Pumps Win!), I went right ahead and did this, which is to re-post “Let the SEO Games Begin!” — exactly as it first appeared, except for the addition of  a more enticing title, and of course, with the new, more enticing “warning.”  Why oh why am I doing this? Well, I just couldn’t help myself. At the same time I retired from SEO shenanigans, I couldn’t help but wonder if this SAME, EXACT post might do a lot better in the SEO Races if I simply changed the title — better with which to lure in more people.]

What follows is EXACTLY what I previously posted on February 2, 2009. Will this retitled version get more hits?[Warning: Do not read. This is a dirty, search engine-oriented post not meant for humans.]

This blog is new, and I’m still playing around with the basics, trying to get a feel for “blogging,” it’s tools, the “Blogosphere” community, as well as what drives traffic to me and why.

With only 25 posts, and most relatively dull, I just can’t stop giggling about the fact that the post that has received the most views — a whopping 18! — is “How Does an Oil Rig Work?” I’m pretty sure I was “stoned on marijuana” when I wrote it, and it was nothing more than a blogging hiccup. So why all of the massive attention?

I guess it’s because I wrote “penis pump” in it, and even linked to a few related sites. Aint that a hoot! So much for the value of quality writing on relevant topics. “The Internet is for PORN!“

So now, to continue my “search engine optimization” (SEO) experimentation , I will fill this post with dirty words and dirty links, and see what kind of traffic it brings in. Presumably it will all come from disappointed masturbators, and to all of  you, I say I’m sorry. Get back to “RedTube!“

Before we get to the dirty stuff — bale out now if you’re a prude! — let’s see if those “web crawlers” can pick up on this blatant statement: This post is ONLY FOR SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION. This is just a shameless attempt to drag viewers away from their intended destinations, trying to get this specific post and my blog in general ranked higher in search results.

OK. Let the SEO Games begin!

While “penis pumps” might be great, what is even better is “Viagra,” a “erectile dysfunction” (or “ED“) medication, which in terms of greatness ranks up there with “penicillin,” which is credited with such amazing accomplishments as curing sailors for “syphilis” they got “banging whores.” Now, I’m not sure if just putting “dirty” words in a post will increase SEO results. If it did, I could just just write poop, shit, dick, cock, ass, pussy, cunt and so on, and be done with it. But my bet is that it doesn’t. What I think is called for is linking “dirty phrases” to “dirty sites.” So let’s try “porn with poop,” “shitty porn for free,” “chicks with dicks,” “how to cock a gun,” “big, Latin asses,” and — I told you not to read — “old ladies have pussies and cunts, too.”

Now, this still might not be quite enough to beat the popularity of my Oil Rig post, so I’m going to get a tad bit — and only a tad bit — more intellectual, and write some sentences that might prove interesting to those not only searching for “masturbatory fodder.” As in:

“Alfred Kinsey” was a sexologist who performed acts of “sexual sadomasochism” on his own body, wrote a famous book called, “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male,” and was played by “Liam Neeson” in a movie about his life called “Kinsey.” A lot a people are freaked out about “polygamous communities in Nevada,” USA, where some “men have sex with many women” in the same house, but generally, I believe, not at the same time. Among other reasons, I think that some people have a hard time with “polygamy” is because they somehow relate it to “sexual abuse of children,” which, as far as I’m concerned, is one of those “unspeakable crimes” which ranks up there with “selling children into prostitution.” The stupid fuckers who pay for “sex tours to Thailand” certainly support this horror in a very real way. I’m all for the “legalization of prostitution,” but just thinking about “sex slavery” makes me sick to my stomach. That’s why — although “graphic violence in movies” also makes my stomach churn, I really enjoyed “Man on Fire” staring “Denzel Washington,” in which he “violently dismembered” evil perpetrators of “heinous crimes against sweet children.”  Frankly, if I ever encountered such an “evil bastard” who was involved in any such “heinous sexual crimes,” I would definitely want to know how to “kill a person with my bare hands.” I would not, however, ever want to use my bare hands or even a “homemade bomb” to commit an act of terrorism. Although I don’t support terrorism of any sort — including all that shit the evil bastard “George W. Bush” perpetrated in places ranging from “Afghanistan” to “Guantanamo Bay” — I certainly don’t support the “Patriot Act,” which should be renamed, “The Act the Shows that Dimwitted, ‘Fearful Americans‘ Are Willing To Give Up Their ‘Fundamental Freedoms‘ in a Heartbeat.” Some of those freedoms, of course, would include things like my being able to maintain a little goddamn privacy when I go to receive a “sex-change operation” at the “famous clinic in Colorado.“

Well, that should do it.

I’m sorry if you read this dirty, boring post. I warned you not to. If, god forbid (was “Jesus a bastard?”), you acutually read this, do me a favor and write a quick comment telling me how you stumbled upon this post.